Holiday Eating Tips

Holiday Eating Tips
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit.
In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately.
Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly.
Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even
rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it.
That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone.
Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes.
Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother?
It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to
control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between
now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you
have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the centre of attention.
They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labour Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost.
I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the
party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry,
January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
Have an amazing day!

Christmas News

December 14, 2005

Washington, DC

Christmas Tradition to be Stopped
Will use Force if Necessary according to a Pentagon Official

President George W. Bush in conjunction with the Department of Homeland Security, the Joint Chiefs’ of Staff, Immigration and Naturalization, the Border Patrol, and the Office of Trade and Industry announce that Mr. Christopher Cringle, aka Santa Claus has been banned from entering the United States.

“It’s simply a matter of public safety,” said a White House Spokesperson. “Since 9-11 we have had policies in place and Mr. Cringle has refused to abide by them. In addition we are seeking a UN Resolution to allow UN inspectors to visit his facilities in search of the Vanished Iraqi WMD’s.”

“They WMD’s have to be somewhere claims,” Defense Secretary Dick Rumsfeld, “why not the North Pole? We have a responsibility to the American people. If Mr. Clause will not allow UN inspectors to check his facilities then an air of suspicion remains. His refusal to allow visitors in under a claim of magic just doesn’t hold water. For all we know the crazy old man could be planning on placing dirty bombs in stockings. In the past Mr. Claus has participated in Environmental terrorism leaving lumps of coal all over the country.”

Initial reaction has been mixed. The Child Poverty Center denounced the move claiming it to discriminate against the poor. “It’s another example of the divide between rich and poor. Rich kids get presents from aunts and uncles, grandparents and friends. For a single mother on welfare, Santa is her only hope.”

Wal-Mart officials however praised the move. “More for us! That jolly old man had been cutting into our profits for years. Additionally, we may be a lousy employer with no benefits, unions, or overtime but at least we don’t require our workers to live on site.”

The Center for “Elfian” Rights a Bi-Partisan Washington Think Tank agrees. “Mr. Clauss’ refusal to sit down at the table to discuss the issues forced Mr. Bush’s hand. Plus the recent concessions by Keebler to allow arborist to inspect their magic elf trees added to the pressures to impose some type of sanctions.”

Internationally the response has been slow to come in however Mexican officials praised the action. “Se amigo, all you gringos do is worry about our border. It’s about time you worried about that Bowl of Jelly from the North.”

A Pentagon informant has learned that the military has been authorized to use force if the US Air Space is violated. “Don’t shoot till you see the Red of Rudolph’s nose is the instructions.” Additionally, Operation Ice Avalanche is being put together if needed.

Although failing to comment directly, General George P. Burdell stated, “we can fight on sand or ice. We certainly hope it won’t come to that but now that the National Hockey League is back up and running our resources are in place.”

The Christian Coalition initially opposed the move calling it another Liberal attempt to destroy America and attack the church but upon hearing it was a policy of the W administration. Said well I guess its ok then.

NRA officials says it points once again to the importance of the 2nd Amendment. “every American should have the ability to protect there home. “Some Red Suit Wearin”, Egg Nog Drinkin’, share presents with the world commie comes in my house they going to get a Merry damn Christmas from my .22,” said former congressman now NRA consultant Bubba T MacDonald from Alabama. “Plus those Reindeer antlers would look good above my mantle.”

Democrats claimed the move to be political. “They want to move the focus off Iraq and its failures and on to Santa” said former Presidential Candidate Sen. John Kerry. He did however express relief he won’t have to vote for it and against it and then either for it or against it again.

The Vatican also spoke in opposition. A Bishop to the Pope expressed the Pontiffs’ disappointment. “To restrict the movement of a Saint, like St. Nicholas gives us great concern. We hope Mr. Bush will reconsider this policy.

Jehovah’s Witnesses came to the President’s aid however saying that “it was about time.”

School officials are unsure how to share the news with students. “Our bad kids will be relieved for sure,” said Principal Leititia Lou Jones, an elementary school principal. “Though as a school we have always tried to make accommodations for those with Behavior Disorders on their IEP. However as Mr. Claus is an outside agency we could never assure our parents that he would follow the plan in place. Our biggest concern will be on how the disappointment of our students will affect test scores in the spring.”

Officials in the North Pole would not comment but insiders say that Mr. Claus is considering legal action under the North America Free Trade Agreement. It is know that the North Pole has a small Elf legal team who is investigating the possibility of filing for a temporary injunction in the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals.

Ms. Claus was overhead saying to the Tooth Fairy as the left a Holiday Charity event that “George W could forget the Thomas the Train set or the green plastic army men.”

Reported by Yalc Retnug
© 2005 SB Press